Nice – and too nice.

Last weekend I was at a dinner, drinks and club thing, mainly with a bunch of people I’ve never met before. One of the people there was as direct as I am, and asked me why it didn’t work out with me and me exhusband, going; ‘Was he …?’ with a look, obviously hinting at if he had been a bastard to me. And the thing is, it’s not the first time I’ve heard that. People assume there was some major blowout for me to leave him, so young.

And so I answered; ‘Fuck, no! No … He was actually just too … nice’.

‘Too -nice-?’ Another guy asked, then mumbling ‘then you’re not nice enough, then you’re too nice…’

I tried to explain myself – with a shot or two in my bloodstream – that it is most -surely- possible to be too nice. It has nothing to do with women wanting male chauvanists or hardcore criminals. But there’s a -major- difference between;

‘Is there anything I can get you?’

and

‘Is there anything I can get you? No? Are you sure? Coffee? A sweater for your shoulders? … No? But … Something to drink? No? … Alright.’

There is -nothing- worse in this world than a man lapdogging on you. And the latter is absolutely lapdogging, much too nice, and makes my respect for the man drop to below zero.

And the funny thing is, the more my oh-so-wonderful exhusband steps back in a discussion or situation, the more I step forward. He still flicks my bitch switch so hard, and brings out the worst in me. We were at a thing recently due to the kids, and … I just … almost didn’t recognize myself. I get vicious on him, because his almost groveling just -pisses- me off. I slick over with shortfused bitch-mode, and I really don’t like that side of myself – in that situation, at least.

The counterpart to too nice is not being an asshole. It’s being calm, at ease, confident. Daring to be soft to your woman, but still, always, being in charge.

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15 Responses to Nice – and too nice.

  1. Very, very interesting. I’ve previously written and collected a lot of material on why men shouldn’t be ‘nice’… this comes close to taking the cake. Will include this post in my next lot on the subject:

    http://3rdmilleniummen.wordpress.com/2012/09/30/manosphere-nice-guys-part-2/

  2. Pingback: Manosphere: Alpha v Beta | 3rd Millenium Men

  3. Pingback: New Manosphere Term – Lapdogging « The Private Man

  4. kotoula says:

    This is so so so so true. I managed to hang on for 16 years with this. The more my ex receded the more I had to step up, especially after we had 5 sons. I mean OMG. The whole thing blew apart when the boys were young teenagers due to his proclivity of putting his head in the sand and inability to deal with conflict. Believe me teenagers bring conflict. What you said about flicking your bitch switch and brining out the worst in you, I can so so relate to this! This describes it exactly. I’m married again, and calm as a cucumber…. Good thing you got rid of him before you were more entangled. I blame feminism for ruining the beautiful qualities that make men men. My sons are now in their 20s and are amazing RED PILL guys. All of them. In fact one of them is managing his GF using MMSL lol. The oldest one is still resentful that he didn’t have a proper role model growing up. Found your blog from privateman.

    • This post really made me smile, kotoula. I’m on my way to work, lemme simmer a bit, and get back to you. :)

    • Oh God, ‘sticking head in the sand’… Yup, sounds familiar! ;)

      Trust me, I really am glad I made the decision so early on. The typical pattern is divorcing when the kids are teens, they get a life of their own, and you look at your partner and realise there’s nothing left, no passion, no friendship, just an indifferent stranger.

      My biggest obstacle mentally, was knowing I was sacrificing my kids sense of traditional family life for my own happiness, and it almost made me stay, but at the end of the day… I just wouldnt, -couldnt- leave my boys the legacy that marriage was what I had with their father.

      But I swear, it’s a typical Beta thing. -So- many beta men dislike confrontations, even with kids, and my ex loathed it. He’s way too much of a pleaser – resulting in me having to be the strict parent every damn time. How can you -not- lose respect in him as your man, when he cant say ‘no’, to me or the kids?

      • kotoula01 says:

        Yes when mom has to be the heavy handed one, the roles are reversed. It took me a long time to realize where all my rage was coming from. Having to be the strict parent to 4 sons born within 4 years would exhaust a saint. Only a strong man is capable of that. With a supportive wife preferably. Mother is supposed to be the soft one, the kind one, cooking and nurturing. Not yelling and freaking out because dad allows them to run wild. And allows bullying and other bad behaviors to proliferate. I feel that I was robbed from being the mom I wanted to be. I have one left at home now, the baby, and he’s 13. My relationship with him is truly amazing.

        This is fantastic that you realized this when yours are young and hopefully your ex will be forced to step up to the plate and Lol thanks mum. Ya she’s obsessed with animals specially dogs.act like a father. As my sons grew up they became disgusted with their dads ‘pussy-ness’ and as adults they choose to embrace true manliness. Hopefully your boys will have good role models among your family and friends. Preferably their own father but some men are just incapable. My ex is.

  5. taterearl says:

    Men have lost the ability to be confrontational. Men are afraid of failure. Men are afraid to make a decision and stick to it…even if it happens to blow up in their face. Men are plain afraid that somebody might hate or reject them. I’ve never regretted a decision I made…even if it was the wrong one…because at least I learned something from it. I regretted the decisions I didn’t make.

    Women aren’t expected to handle these things like a man…she hates it because in the power vacuum left by a beta man she has to replace it. I didn’t have the strongest father in the world…but he ran the show when it came to work ethic, discipline, confrontation, and kicking my butt when I wanted to quit.

  6. RocnRobin says:

    Really enjoyed the book “No more Mr. Nice Guy”, by Dr. Robert A. Glover. It has all kinds of insights into my beta past. Ouch. Not for the faint of heart, or those still in denial. It has a program of recovery, too. Sort of like a 12 step program.. Working for me.

  7. Pirran says:

    @taterearl
    “Men have lost the ability to be confrontational. Men are afraid of failure. Men are afraid to make a decision and stick to it…even if it happens to blow up in their face. Men are plain afraid that somebody might hate or reject them.”

    Because that’s what they’ve been inculcated with since age zip over the last 30 years or so. If you bring up boys in a rad-feminized education system that hates them on sight and punishes them for every action (or re-action), guess what the long-term consequences are?

    Little will change until the gender hatred is eradicated from the groves of feminazi academe and boys are no longer medicated for being…err….boys. The sad thing is that when those boys finally take the red pill after years of abuse they can become very negative towards women in general (or simply zone out and go their own way). You can particularly see this in guys under 30 but, given their options, it’s hardly surprising. Shaming them is pointless and counterproductive.

    @insideawomansmind
    Interesting blog. I came here from The Private Man and it’s good to see a woman’s perspective. Metrosexualism isn’t the only reason for asexual caution, though. Rape culture hysteria can lead even the most Alpha of males to think twice sometimes (especially on a US campus).
    And then there’s this….(h/t Captain Capitalism)….there just aren’t enough facepalms on the planet. Catherine MacKinnon has MUCH to answer for.

    http://bangordailynews.com/2012/07/21/living/help-i-regret-having-drunken-sex-with-my-husband/

  8. Spacetraveller says:

    Inside…
    As promised, linked to you…on my latest post after pondering for a few days on the subject of ‘lapdogging’, which really touched me.

  9. Actually, nevermind, I found it. :)

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