Close to 50% of all marriages ends in divorce. Looking at that sentence in itself, makes it a sad fact, I guess. Ask an old married couple why so many end up divorced, and I’ll bet my small kingdom they will say that people nowadays take marriage too lightly. Don’t fight enough. Quit when it gets hard. Don’t acknowledge the fact that there is ups and downs in all relationsships.
I am, of course, biased. But I ask you; What is the easier, staying or leaving?
I know -so- many couples in their late 20’s or 30’s, that bicker constantly for everyone to see. Talk to each other, like you’d talk to the next door neighbour’s dog, that fucking -keeps- shi*ting on your lawn. That belittling, annoyed tone. What I don’t get is … With a significant other like that, who needs enemies?
Yes, I know, there must be something that keep them there. They probably do love each other. But most people do not keep hanging out with a friend where you constantly nag on each other the -not- fun, cute way. Why do -so- many stay with a partner you, at the end of the day, resent a bit?
Well, I have been in both camps. I was married to someone I didn’t have much in common with aside from the house and the kids. I’m not unintelligent nor without backbone or initiative, but a good part of the time, I just didn’t see it as a real possibility to actually leave. Not because I was a woman getting beaten – and some do actually think something like that went down, since, evidently, it’s -that- odd for a woman so young to leave, just because you don’t love the other anymore. For people to grasp the fact, that I left merely because I was getting aware of all the things I was missing out on, of all the things missing in my marriage, like passion, a sense of allianceship between us, respecting him as a -man-… That I left, because, I simply didn’t love him anymore, that was almost unfathomable to the people around us.
And I think that a -lot- of people stay in mediocre marriages, because it’s almost impossible to imagine leaving. Going through the whole divorce mill. It’s effing harder to get divorced, than it is getting married, which, in itself, is a paradox.
Getting to the point where you realise that you want out, seriously will leave, is of course not something that happens over night, and it takes time to build and mature inside your head. But for me, when I had said it out loud, there was no going back. What triggered it was the thought of never kissing a stranger again. Not getting butterflies in my stomach. Never having red-hot, hazy, mindblowing sex again. And then the decision was easy. It took a good few months before I stopped feeling guilty towards my boys – I have two sons, but what stopped that, was knowing I don’t want to leave them the heritage that a marriage is supposed to be what me and my exhusband had.
Speaking from a point of view where it’s a marriage that ‘just’ lost passion, I really do think the easy thing is staying and the hard leaving. Sticking around, letting one day take the next, is easy. Where as, if we’re talking about an otherwise good marriage, kids being part of the equation, and one party is unfaithful – then the hard thing can very much be staying, fighting for the marriage, trying to rebuild the trust. Not that I would ever, in a million years, stay after infedility, but that’s another entry in itself. And I do still admire the ones, who stick it out and fight for it.
Did I take marriage too lightly? Yeah, I did. But we had kids together, and I thought we’d work it out. But I refuse to stay when there’s more downs than ups. I’m still a die-hard romantic underneath the … somewhat cynic exterior. 😉 I still believe in marriage. But next time I wont settle for anything less than my best friend in the world. A rock that will handle me at my worst, someone who is my match in every sense – both alike and unlike me, as some sides of me will be hard to cope with if he’s alike me, and viceversa.
Life is too damn short for living each day in a different shade of grey. Sure, as a single mother, full time job, house and garden and mowing the fucking lawn and shit 😉 – there’s days where it’s not just fun. But I’d rather have green, purple, pink, blue and yellow days, with the occasional black one too, than years of … indifference. I’d rather cry and mean it, than let one day take the next, and just … never take a stand. Not get excited, laugh, learn new things, see new things, dance, sing and behave like a spoiled brat.
I know this is an unorthodox thing to say, but divorces fucking -rock-.