I’ve been given a shoutout over at http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/, where a comment to that entry made me feel the need to clarify how I ended up divorcing my too nice husband. My reply is below.
“Trust me when I say, I did try to fix it. I didn’t leave out of the blue, I spent the last couple of years, trying to make him see that my respect in him as a man (not as a human being, but as MY man), was faltering. I said it in those words, I didnt muck about, giving subtle hints. After we had kids, is when his pleasing side really manifested itself. He couldn’t tell the boys a simple ‘No’. If they’d start crying, he’d give them the icecream they wanted, and were just making as fuss about not getting, cause he couldnt deal with them crying.
I started out talking to him about it gently, and it didn’t register. I got more direct, told him litterally, that if he didnt step up – we’d end up divorced, that I needed him to be a Man. I tried several times to get him to do couple’s councelling with me to overcome our differences and he wouldnt hear of it.
The contempt I have of him now, didnt emerge out of the blue. When he didn’t want to communicate with me, when he kept being a playmate to the kids, leaving me to do the parenting, when he started lapdogging more and more and he didn’t want to talk about the downward spiralling in our marriage, my respect in him lessened and lessened and when we -did- get a divorce and I got some distance, is where my contempt in him as a -man- (still not as a human being), began. To this day, he’ll lapdog on me and he’s played the martyr card so many times to get pity, that he can’t -not- represent everything I don’t want in a relationsship.
I dont think marriage buys you anything. If you change remarkably from the person you were when you fell in love, you owe the other person to at least communicate, to try to find a solution, and to overcome the differencies. And also, I dont think marriage buys you the right to stop being Man and Woman. I don’t feel a shred of guilt for leaving him over such a ‘luxury’ obstacle as this, cause I did everything in my power to get him into a dialogue with me. And also, I’m positive he’ll be happier with another woman than me. In the last years, we brought out the worst in each other, cause we were on such different pages when it came to the dynamics between a woman and a man. I wanted a Man, an Alpha and he was content with me being it.”
Bottomline is, a marriage is a two way street. You work together, you try to overcome the issues you have. But if one party just shuts off, refusing to acknowledge the problem and the seriousness of it even when told directly, the marriage -will- go to pieces.