I have an entry stirring in my head, called ‘A hamsters confessions’, cause many times when I -do- channel my inner hamster, I see it. Not every time. Sometimes I’ll see it after, when I, at the time, didn’t recognize it at all, and I’ll do the longest facepalm ever.
I know I shittest. I know I can get all worked up in this unreasonable tirade about nothing and everything, when I’m really tired and fussy. But the thing is, that 5 or 10 years ago, I’d do it in a much nastier extent, than now. Now I often -know- I do it. I see it, when I do it, and I try to control it. Or I’ll let people know beforehand. ‘Listen, just so you know, sometimes when I’m tired and there’s something eating away at me, that I don’t really want or can deal with at the time, I’ll get really unreasonable and discuss like a stubborn, pouty 8 year old. If it happens, just tell me to shut up and hug me.’ Recently someone defused me completely, when I was about to go into it, by saying ‘Inside… Be careful.’
He didn’t say it with a nasty nor cute tone, just a firm, slightly warning one. Instantly, just like that, I was myself again, soft and warm and slightly turned on. I think it’s the hottest thing someone has said to me in a long, long time; ‘Inside … Be careful.’
It says it all. ‘The line is here, woman, don’t cross it, cause I’m not gonna put up with it. Stop. I care about you enough to give you that warning, but I’m not gonna listen to your shit.’ -That- is a man and not a lapdog.
I’m not saying that goes, when I have a serious problem I need advice on or when I’m sad to the core of me about something. But when I’m at that unreasonable stage where everything and nothing is wrong, trying to help solve my problem is futile, cause there isn’t gonna be an answer, since there’s not a problem I -can- solve at that point. And God knows, that I do try to not hamster away and just supress it, but sometimes it catches me off guard.
It’s a bit like shittests. I used to do them all the time, but these days I don’t do them to the same extent. I’ve gotten so much more gentle over the years, I don’t care a man knows I’m attracted to him. I don’t really play games. I’m so much more friendly, open and warm, where I, 10 years ago – or, hell, just 1 year ago, saw it as an open invitation to people for them to walk all over me. I don’t give people more than one chance to screw me over, if they do, I’m gone, but it hasn’t really been an issue. Maybe because I’m not interested in any commitment where I am in my life right now, so I’m not one of those women I meet a lot, who -wants- a relationsship -so- bad, and has a desperate aura around her all the time. That’s another entry right there.
But yes, I do shittest. I’ll tell a guy, with an open heart and a sincere, slightly cheeky smile, that I’m a stubborn, walley woman, that I have a million shit sides, and that he’ll prob get sick of me in no time at all. But I don’t flake. I don’t lie. I don’t do hot n’ cold signals to keep his interest. I don’t want commitment, so it wont matter much to me, if -he- goes cold on -me-. I really have gotten endlessly less complicated, than when I was 20. I’m not sure if it’s the hamster having gotten tired on the treadmill, my divorce and having had a year to observe my patterns in the game between men and women and seeing myself more clearly or if I’m just getting old and soft. But I like the change.