I’m not here much recently. As I’ve written in the comment section somewhere, I briefly thought about shutting down the site, because I just don’t have the time or the material to write daily or close to it, but I’d rather leave it here, and come back when I have the energy again and something on my heart.
Men: Don’t be betas. If you’re a spineless pleaser, then work on it and toughen the f*ck up, before you have kids.
Women: Don’t have kids with a beta in disguise. I didn’t know what signs to look for, but in hindsight, I see them. The not liking confrontations. The relationsship he has with his mother, whom he was very close to, in a her-controlling-everything-kinda-way. He didnt like saying ‘no’ to people. He always tried to make everyone happy.
I wasn’t old enough, experienced enough to know what an utter and complete beta he was underneath the masculine exterior – cause he really is not the prototype of a wallflower, he’s tall, really good looking, wide shoulders, stubble – all the things, that has always made my knees weak.
Having kids with this undercover beta made things hard in the long run, but I wouldn’t change it in a million years. I was blessed with two little heartbreakers from my marriage with my exhusband. I love them to the core of me, and every day I strive to be the best mother I can be, and to guide them in the best way I can. Just writing this chokes me up, the love you bear for your offspring is so strong, it’s almost scary.
But oh, how I was I could have had the exact same two, little boys with a man who had had more spine. My biggest, who’s almost 5, is throwing tantrums lately to an extend that is totally unreasonable. I’ve always been able to control them – of course, they’re boys, they’re wild, and that’s okay. I’m not aiming at making them little robots, who does exactly what their mom says, but this degree of tantrums is hard.
And it’s even more hard, when my spineless asshole of an ex does -nothing- to change, to get better at disciplining the kids. After we had kids, it was -always- me who had to be the parent, be the one who punished them. Always me who had to be tough and be the bad cop, and him who ran to them every time they scraped a knee and didnt even wince themselves. He would run to them, afraid they had crippled themselves. And seeing the man I was with, so completely with -no- balls, always leaving me to be the sole parent, just killed the respect I had in him as a man and as a father.
He loves them to death and spoils them rotten, and he’d go through fire for them. But doing actual parenting is left for me to do.
I do it. Of course I do, I wouldnt dream of anything else.
But in my attempt to do it all, my full time career job (which I need to keep to make ends meet, it sure as hell is hard enough -with- this job), to keep the house and garden on my own, in my attempt to the best parent I can be -and- at the same time trying to grow just a little spine in my ex and make him incooperate just a little disciplining in his life with our kids, so he doesn’t ruin the kids completely and make little brats of them … I just get tired.
Not all days or weeks are like this, not even close. This week has been particularly hard, but I’d still make the same decision about getting the divorce. He makes me someone I dont want to be, because he just pisses me off so much when I’m around him for more than a few hours at at time. And when I get angry, I get angry with -him- and him not growing a pair, I dont get angry with the world or men in general.
I dont wake up pissy in the morning, I’m not bitter, I’m just tired inside my head sometimes. That’s honestly the best words to describe it. And when I’m tired inside my head, I just dont have much on my heart to post here, and I’d rather post when I mean it, than out of politeness.
Anyway, the weird thing is though, that in theory I would think doing it all myself would make me ‘harder’, more feisty. But it hasn’t. It’s made me softer, much less guarded and even more feminine and anti-feministic. My wonderful friend who knows me extremely well, believes it’s because I dont live with an aspect that angers me every day, leaving me more … -Me-, not short fused all the time. And I think she’s right.
Anyway, this was my two cents. End of rant. Happy easter, guys.