It continues to shock me how many relationsships and marriages there are out there, where the passion is more or less gone. For some reason, after I got divorced, people tell me their marital problems quicker than before, sometimes out of the blue. Friends, colleagues, even family. And it -amazes- me how many times I’ve heard the same song, from typically men though sometimes a woman, too;
‘We never have sex.’ ‘Well, what is never to you?’
The answer typically ranges from anywhere to every once or twice a month to ‘it’s been years, since we last were together…’
It is a -mystery- to me!
How can you not want to feel your man close to you? How can you not need to smell the absolutely -divine- scent that radiates off any man, who’s good friends with a shower?
How can you not want and -need- to get to that blissful stage, where you seize to be a spouse, girlfriend, mother, daughter, friend, employee, housewife and all the other roles we have to fill every day, and are reduced to just being a -woman-, in the hands of a man? Where all the layers of professionalism, inhibitions and emotional walls are shot down, and you’re fueled only by passion & lust, and where instinct takes over?
I honestly believe that sex is the strongest factor in the equation that keeps two people together. It is most certaintly not the only one, cause obviously you need to actually love each other, but I am 100% certain, that if you never have sex – the love will die.
People might stay together – but it’ll end up being like living with a roommate.
It is scientifically proven that having sex release a hormone, oxytocin, which makes you want to bond, to mate and to hold on to each other. The more you touch, the more oxytocin you release, and when the level of oxytocin reaches its climax, you cum. And fun fact of the day; Women are more sensitive to that hormone, more strongly affected by it, thus making women more likely to feel attached to the man after sex, than vice versa.
-Not- having sex on the other hand, is the bulletproof way to making sure the intimacy will slip and you’ll slowly grow apart. The part who is more sexually driven, typically the man, will get more and more frustrated, resulting in a man who’s more likely to stray. Which, I for one, honestly don’t even think is something women should feel appalled and disgusted by.
‘You had sex with another woman?!? *gasp*’
‘… Yup. You haven’t been interested in sex with me for -four- years, what the fuck do you expect? Have you ever heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs? No? Google it, woman!’
I’m not saying I believe men (or the women out there, who’s the frustrated part of the couple) have a freepass to go out and cheat and cheat and cheat, until they can’t walk straight. But if you haven’t been close to another person for a long time, I sincerely understand that even the best can slip. It -is- however something people should use constructively to look at the relationsship and find out why they were able to give in to temptation outside of the relationsship. Nor am I saying I’d accept adultery, by the way. At -all-. It’s my ultimate dealbreaker, a kiss outside of the relationsship is enough cheating for me, and will result in me out the door very rapidly.
-Not- having sex creates a distance that grows and grows, and you end up as strangers, where even a hug seems awkward.
Hence – the brilliant invention of dutysex!
There -are- a lot of things to keep track of, jobs, kids, housewifing, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping – and sometimes when the list adds up and you’re stressed, sex winds up somewhere down the list. It’s how it is in the real world, where you have obligations, to-do lists, chores to do and too little time, but it is -why- you need to have dutysex.
1) It is -always- great, once you are -litterally- 5 seconds into it. Maybe even 3.
and
2) You -always- feel better after. Less stressed, more physically relaxed, closer to your partner.
Women (yes, I’m judgmental here, it -can- also be the odd beta here and there, who wont put out 😉 ) just need to get the fuck out of their heads, and stop making mental to-do lists as their man are going down on them. Feel, smell, touch, bite, just surrender to the moment damnit, instead of keeping up the good-girl attitude, which, frankly, never did anyone any good in bed.
And that was my two cents on sex in a relationsship. Was a long two cents. 😉
insideawomansmind 
As ever, nail-head *high fives* ❤
Thank you, darling. 😉
Could not agree more. It has been scientifically/clinically documented that the more sex you have (with each other LOL) the more likely you are to stay married.
I don’t think it is the sex per/se. But if the man demands the sex that he needs, the woman has to make a decision as to whether she can tolerate fucking the man she does not necessarily love. So, sex has a way of surfacing the underlying issues in the relationship. If you don’t demand sex, then the other person can go on living like roommates forever. People have to quit tolerating sub-par marriages.
My wife became much more receptive to me once I started articulating that she was going to fuck me or I’d be finding someone who would. The caveman attitude improved my marriage 100%.
Good post
Just came across you rblog and love it. As a MWM, 45 years young with a hot babe wife of 17+ years, I believe in regular sex with one’s spouse. I cannot go one day without touching my wife. Seriously, I have to touch her, smell her, feel her, kiss her etc. It is in my nature. I know lots of guys in the “manosphere” may consider me whipped or beta-ized, but I do not have her on a pedestal. I will also say that she digs it. She likes me grabbing her when she is least expecting and giving her a hot kiss. She acts surprised when I slap her ass when she is bending over, but she laughs and ejoys it.
We have a great relationship and I have enough Alpha in me to keep her excited. She willfully follows my lead and I can read her and know when she wants me to too, put her in her place or take control overall. She never ascribed to “dutysex” in the past. So, I started working on my Alpha more and in the last year, she has started to have it with me. We even discussed it. I asked her about the times she reluctantly agreed to have sex; did she enjoy it afterwards? She said yes, every time. So…then why push back? She knew she would get f**cked well and have a great orgasm. Maybe she was not thinking about it at that time or my proposal, but it never takes her long to “fall in” and join in the fun and she always walks away satisfied.
I, like you, cannot understand how you can be married to someone and not want to be with them.
You said that you are Scandinavian in previous posts. Are you Danish? As a half-dane, half-american, I’m very curious. Your attitude and use of English (you’re English is excellent – but one notices things) is very atypical in my experience and also Roosh’s. Don’t worry – I’m not interested in finding out what country you are in if you are not Danish.
I’m really enjoying reading your posts. Thank you for being frank.
So far I’m 3-3 with your posts. I almost never comment on blogs. I totally agree with dutysex! It does work and like you said after a few seconds, feeling his hands all over me, searching, I’m ready to go. I told him to just feel free to initiate any time, even in the middle of the night, and some of that half awake fast frantic fucking, is just so amazing! There are times when we’re at it every day, but he’s 54 and I’m 48 so that can’t last week after week. Eventually he gets tired out lol. So we rest for a few days then go at it again. And we are both from a very broke Mediterranean country (where people tend to be hot headed) so we have had a few rippa fights, and I swear the good regular sex has held us together. We recently split up for 2 weeks, we were so angry with each other, I really thought it was over (been married for 3 years, together for 8 years) but honestly we both confessed that our achilles heel is sex with each other, and we kissed and made up. We sleep in a double bed, cuddled up together every single night. Don’t ever underestimate the value of dutysex. Women can become in the mood PDQ when confronted with their man’s uncontrollable lust for them…..
Go for it all you can while you can. It is not going to get physically better as time passes. Sex may become emotionally more satisfying, but hard as a rock and rock ’til you drop will be just a memory. Sexual athleticism will be almost impossible. Not trying to be a gloom and doomer here, just encouraging you to get it while the getting is not just good, but possible.
Wtf?! Get the f*ck off my blog!!
… Haha, just kidding. 😉 I get what you’re saying. I refuse to become desperate to get a man, just because I reached the big 3-0, I see it a lot when I’m out. Women in their 30’s and 40’s desperately wanting someone, anyone to not have to be alone. That’ll never be me. 🙂
But trust me – I do know that when I do go back into the scene, that I’m up against women a decade younger than me with no kids and no history. 😉
There are a lot of things I used to do but no longer can. Age, weight, physical condition and medications take their toll. I can remember some of the things we used to do and they are now just plain not possible. I do admit that if we put more effort into our physical condition I think we could recapture some of it in at least short bursts, but definitely no elevator sex, no matter how tall the building and who wants to do it with that damn bell ringing and security watching, taping and putting on the onternet. The point was that while youth, flexibility and stamina are on your side, now is the time. Do it upside down, sideways, standing, kneeling, insde, outside, dominant, submissibe, bound or whatever, but do it now. The forties are when the real disappointments kick in physically. “We never did it that way! Wanna give it a go?” NOT!!!! Like I said earlier, not gloom and doom, just prodding and encouragement to experiment while you physically can. The erotic desire will be there when older, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that the want to and can do will not often coincide. So go jump his bones. Do it often and do it with wild abandon. Like so much else in life, there will be more regrets in time about what you didn’t try and do than what you did and failed at.
After a certain age, there is NO TRUTH in that current popular country verse, “I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was.” Even with Viagra. I haven’t given up, I just give out. LOL 😉
Love the gravatar! Greeneyedgeisha has a similar one. Very sexy. Thanks for listening to an old fart. Enjoy the thirties. By the way, read any David Schnarch?
Absolutely agree, now I understand exactly what you mean. 🙂
And no I haven’t – what genre are we in?
Since you brought up Abraham Mazlow, I thought you were somewhat conversant in psychology. David Schnarch, PhD, is a sex therapist and marriage counselor in Evergreen, CO. He has 30+ yrs experience and developed the “Sexual Crucible®” concept and wrote a textbook around it. Other books in the order of “read me first” and publication are Passionate Marriage, Resurrecting Sex, and Intimacy and Desire. PM gives a quick read overview of the Sexual Crucible® making it easier to follow I&D.
He posits that sexual desire problems are not only normal, but a necessary outcome of long term love relationships. They are a precursor to and driving force behind what he calls the “people growing” process that is marriage. It is a 25yr old concept that departs from “more and better communication” and “just do it,” approach to increasing sexual desire. Except for the textbook, all should be available at your local library and Amazon used and new. You NEED to expose yourself to his teaching. If I were selling the books, I would offer you your money back if found useless to you and your readers. However you read them, make I&D last as you need at least PM first to ground you. If you are a Christian Fundamentalist, don’t let the evolution explanations and from ape to man stuff stop your reading. Don’t let his very often blunt and approachable language make you discount his qualifications. He is not writing to clinicians, but everyday people. Every chapter is filled with anecdotal information from cases of his practice in which readers see themselves. It makes the reading almost a subjective experience. Let me know what you think when you finish Passionate Marriage. I suspect you will do a blog post about it. Get ready to be amazed.
I dont have a lot of sex with my gf because she doesn’t really hit my “my god you turn me on” buttons. But at the same time, being close to 50, very few women do, because most women age like crap around where I live. However, I do enjoy her company and we do a lot of snuggling, and so I enjoy having her in my life. I do give her “duty sex” about once every two months.
For older couples having lots of sex is a high standard for most, IMO. The fact is that most men are are required to be turned on by a woman’s looks to want to bang her no matter what his age; but her looks will inevitably go down the tubes as she ages. Men OTOH may have trouble maintaining their masculine frame through the years due to job losses, betaization through a harpy wife, etc. I suggest that you can maintain a reasonably good and somewhat fulfilling relationship without a lot of sex, and this is far better than having absolutely nothing (no relationship). Because at age 50, 95% of these individuals are simply not going to hit those “Im hot buttons”, so you got to make do. I, for one, dont have the status and quite the masculine frame to be considered hot by even 5% of the women out there, so why should I expect a woman that will nail those “Im hot, and my god I want to bang you” buttons in my life?
EVERYBODY needs to lower their standards.
Well put!
Thank you.